June 29th, 2005 by POMP

After fighting with the geniuses at Qwest for over a month, and being bounced from one brain-dead customer service asshole to another – I finally have a new DSL modem.

Their tech support has taught me several things:

1. You do not need a firewall and must disable it if you want the Internets to work properly.
2. You must use DHCP, because static IP addresses and routers only complicate the Internets.
3. You must use Internet Explorer, because alternative browsers cannot access Interweb pages or Actionec modem’s configuration interface.
4. Unintelligible foreigners give better customer service than Qwest.

Getting a hold of someone at Qwest that (vaguely) resembles an actual human being is nearly impossible, and once I finally did those stupid fuckers bounced me all over the place, and had me repeatedly trying the same shit – or I would get disconnected and have to call back.

Qwest technician’s didn’t believe me when I told them I had already power-cycled my modem, replaced all the cables, and disabled all of my Internet security, and still could not get an Internet connection. Every tech support douche I talked to suggested I do the same bullshit over and over and over again. So since everything looked fine on their end, it must’ve been something I was doing wrong.

After being told to disable my firewall, I jokingly asked if I should also uninstall my anti-virus and spyware protection, but the technician was unsure and continued reading from his script. Trying to get them to just tell me what to do or where to go, rather than read me each individual step was maddening. They seriously would not get off their script for anything, and if I interrupted them they would start all over again.

After demanding a new DSL modem and threatening to cancel my service, they tried telling me that the Actiontec modem I already had was not purchased from them, and that’s why it wasn’t working. Even though they sent it to me nearly two years ago, and it uses their proprietary firmware.

Anyway, after all this fighting was done I finally convinced a technician at Qwest (with half the intelligence of a CompUSA monkey) to ship me a new DSL modem. Almost a week later, I got a postcard IN MY MAILBOX telling me they could not find my address. Keep in mind that this postcard was in my fucking mailbox! So rather than calling me or dropping it off at our communities clubhouse, it was returned to UPS. And since I received the postcard on a Saturday afternoon, I had to wait until Monday to make the 15-mile drive to UPS, so I could pickup the fucking thing myself.

So, after eight straight days of no Internet access, I’m finally back online. The new DSL modem is actually pretty cool, and I can attest to the fact that it works fine with a router, a firewall, static IP addresses, and even alternative browsers – despite Qwest’s claims to the contrary.

The new DSL modem also supports wireless networking with WPA and MAC filtering. But again, the geniuses at Qwest recommend that you leave the modem’s built-in firewall at its default security level: “Off. ” And as far as wireless security goes, Qwest recommends that you select “WEP” and leave the default value at “64 bits.” No wonder why these assholes rank near the bottom of PC World’s “The Best (and Worst) ISPs.“

Anyway, I’ve ignored all of Qwest’s recommendations, and everything is secure and working fine. I hope that I can pull my own RaY Deal and get something out of all this, like a free month of service. The only reason I mention any of it is because after about a month of intermittent Internet access, my server is finally back online.

I’ve wanted to post this Richard Cheese MP3 for quite some time, but I couldn’t … until now.

Enjoy!

June 28th, 2005 by POMP

Q: How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A: He spits on the other guy’s back.

June 27th, 2005 by POMP

Howard Stern is another great candidate for my new reality show, “Kick’em in the Cunt.” And it got me thinking of a prank call someone should make to him.

Since I no longer listen to his pathetic show, I thought I’d put this idea out there for anyone that thinks they could actually get through. Because Howard’s lazy and no longer funny, I hear he mostly takes calls from his Wack Pack, and dumps out on any callers that challenge him – so this may be difficult. But I picture the call going something like this:

Howard: “Hello, you’re on-the-air.“

Caller: “Hey Howard, is it true you have the AIDS?“

Howard: “No, what the hell are you talking about?“

Caller: “I heard you caught ‘The Virus’ from Opie and Anthony on XM Satellite Radio.“

At this point Howard should promptly dump out of your call and then start belittling you with unfunny insults like “you’re stupid” and “you’re a homo.” There’s no reason to be scared though, because Howard lost his edge years ago, and can only offend you if you’re still in elementary school or have an IQ below 80.

I can practically guarantee you 15 minutes of fame just as soon as Opie and Anthony get wind of this call. The verbal cunt-kicking you gave Howard will make you a hero on their radio show, and they will most likely play your phony phone call a minimum of ten times a day.

Good Luck!