Ahh, an MTV-produced film. You just know it’s gonna suck when they are involved.

MTV’s ultra hip movie, Coach Carter, starring Samuel L. Jackson (The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, as well as a movie where he gets eaten by a shark) is completely original and is bound to inspire dozens of mentally disabled children.

Jackson plays Coach Carter. Carter is on a mission. The local ghetto school has a very good basketball team but has a pooled I.Q. of 51. Carter has to raise the student’s grades by the way of telling them if they do not improve, they will have no more basketball games. OH NO!!

I have the actual script for the film and here it is:

– CARTER –You bunch of losers I will beat you all into shape, as you are not badasses. Suckas!

– RANDOM STUPID KID — I deal drugs!

– RANDOM STUPID KID –I HAVE A CHILD AT HOME AND I AM 16 !

– RANDOM STUPID KID –One of my friends will surely die so I may experience deep personal pain and loss!

– ALL RANDOM STUPID KIDS — BUT WE ARE A VERY GOOD BASKETBALL TEAM !!!

– CARTER — No more basketball until you all pass 2nd grade reading tests and can recite the alphabet in under 4 minutes!!! Beeotches!

– ENTIRE COMMUNITY WHO APPARENTLY HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH STUPID KIDS PLAY BASKETBALL — They will riot if you cancel games and that is very bad! We don’t care if they can’t read, we wants our basketballs!!!

– RANDOM STUPID KID — Fuck you Coach Carter I will play basketball no matter what!

* RANDOM STUPID KID * takes a swing at Carter, but since Carter was a Jedi in the Star Wars movies, he uses the Force to dodge it.

– CARTER — Wrong of you to take a swing at me child! Now feel the armbar of pain and recognize. Sucka!

– ALL STUPID KIDS — Wow Carter is not to be messed with. We must study.

– RANDOM STUPID KID — Oh no my friend got shot dealing the drugs so I see it is bad to want to play basketball and not have an education!!!

– CARTER — Congratulations you have all passed the test after months of studying with a 66% average. Even tho that is a D minus technically, I am very proud of you all. Go play roundball!!

** The basketball team under the command of Carter trounces the other team (who most certainly has more white players, cause whites suck at basketball) **

– ALL STUPID KIDS — WE WON THE BIG GAME!

– CARTER — IMPRESSIVE MY CHILDREN!

** FADE OUT **

As you can see, it is quite the fine film according to the script.

Just kidding. Don’t see this pile of shit. I sure as hell didn’t.

Love,

RaYzor