It was exactly one year ago today, that I left New York for Denver. I didn’t arrive until August 1st, but you can read about that from my 10/03/2003 post. Anyway, many things have happened in these past 12 months. The guy I sold OswegoSucks.com to has turned the site into an even bigger shithole than it was before (if you can believe that), and Oswego itself is sinking deeper and deeper into its own shit. Since my 1700 mile drive from Hell, I’ve learned many things about Colorado and its people. Funny or not, and in no particular order … here they are:
1. Fat Mexican girls LOVE belly shirts. Cellulite, overhang, stretch marks and all–they don’t care, they’re wearing them.
2. Jesus Christ is the One, the Answer, your Lord and Savior, and the gift that keeps on forgiving.
3. Coloradans prefer Pepsi to Coke, and call soda, “pop.”
4. Due to falling rock from the mountains, at least 50% of all vehicles windshields are either cracked or broken.
5. Many metro-area Linus Nerds improperly pronounce Linux, “Line-ix” and measure, “may-shure.” They also prefer Opera to Internet Explorer and Firefox.
6. Colorado brews more beer than any other State in the union. John Hickenlooper is the Mayor of Denver, and founder of the Wynkoop Brewing Company, and Pete Coors is running for the U.S. Senate. Yet, you can only buy “3.2″ beer in the stores, and you can’t buy it at all on Sunday. (See #2)
7. Colorado is known for its natural beauty, clean air and water, yet recycling is not mandatory. And, there is no deposit on cans or bottles.
8. There are no helmet laws in Colorado. However, you must “Click It or Ticket.”
9. People out here are obsessed with their cars. Whether it’s a Dodge Colt or a BMW, they all have boomin’ systems, tinted windows, and moronic slogans plastered on their cars, such as, “It’s A Jeep Thing … You Wouldn’t Understand” and “Yeah It’s A “HEMI SWEET!!” Or worse yet, a Jesus fish or Jesus is the Answer bumper sticker. Unfortunately, we are right next to Utah. (See #2)
10. It’s not unusual to see an old man or woman wearing Spandex, and riding a mountain bike.
11. Denver Radio Sucks!
12. The Columbine High School “tragedy” is a big deal out here. When you suggest that they had it coming, and you sympathize with the shooter’s–people really look down on you.
13. It can be 80 in January and snow in June. You also don’t need rain to have thunder and lightening.
14. Unlike New York, you can smoke everywhere in Colorado, except Boulder.
15. Colorado is a red state. Our Governor, as well as our Senators are Republican. You might conclude, that this is why there are jobs in Colorado, and this is why Denver is the thinnest and highest educated city in the U.S.
I will continue to update this, until I can’t think of anymore shit to post.